China’s leader wants a more loveable image for China in the world’s media columns. We are glad to help out.
The world of biting satire was rocked to its core this week following the revelation that Chinese Communist Party dictator-for-life Xi Jinping has asked his propaganda arms working within the Western media to make China appear more “loveable” to the rest of the world in their daily columns.
Due to an unfortunate accident involving his brain being fried by a short-range microwave weapon of unknown origin, our regular columnist Rowan Dean has been replaced at short notice by his eager young intern Ms Luweena Lu-ling who has filed today’s column in his Lu, er, lieu:
“Thoughts, Observations and Meditations Upon the Role of Loveable Chinese Leadership in an Era of Western Hegemonism.“
It was a beautiful, glorious sunrise that greeted me as I stepped off the train from Beijing and placed my fragrant foot for the first time on to the bounteous, lush soil of Xinjiang Autonomous Province.
All around me the birds were singing a melodious tune and rays of sunlight glistened off the sparkling dew as I made my way past the excited and perfectly formed rows of happy, smiling Uighurs who had shaved their heads in the customary fashion and come to greet me with petal blossoms and quaint folk dancing performances which involved lying face-down on the platform with their hands behind their necks as a simple but heartfelt way to show their gratitude for the loveable kindness bestowed upon them by Emperor Xi.
Later on, I popped into a local produce store where I picked up a home-made pair of Nikes and a freshly made iPhone for next to nothing!
To many, of course, Great Leader Xi is a fearsome figure, a towering presence of strength and resolve, a proud Father and Hero of the Nation, a visionary who understands the needs of his people and who sacrifices himself daily to the task of creating a Paradise for All on this temporal Earth in line with his Celestial Mandate from Heaven and, of course, in keeping with the key principles outlined in his must-read best-seller The Thoughts of Xi Jinping which had given me such solace on the long but serenely calm train journey across the cloud-dappled mountains of Fujian.
But to me, Chairman Xi will always be known simply by the nickname he bestowed upon himself when I first met him when I was just a bright young Beijing schoolgirl keen to become dux of my school; Uncle Cuddles.
Could there be a kinder or more inspirational man in all of China than Uncle Cuddles? I remember in year 2 when I was struggling to comprehend some of the more complicated protein molecular formulae of cymothoa exigua in Series 4 of Advanced Oceanography and Plankton Ecology, Volume 17, Uncle Cuddles arranged for the whole class to take a day trip to one of his Peaceful Marine Parks in our loveable Spratly Islands!
On a clear, sunny morning we landed on a smart, shiny new runway which he had lovingly constructed right on top of a delightful coral reef, and in no time we were splashing around in the pristine waters collecting colourful sea shells and preserving the biodiversity of the reef through our careful and sustainable use of lovingly developed Chinese solar panels and wind farms.
Later on, as we were flying home, Uncle Cuddles gave us an impromptu geology lesson about how the continents were formed and how the earth’s plates are constantly shifting, and to demonstrate this he pointed to a large, teeming island in the sea directly below us which, he explained, would very soon be part of mainland China again.
History, too, was a subject that I excelled in thanks again to the loving guidance that Uncle Cuddles bestowed upon our school. Has there ever been a man more concerned about easing the sufferings of his fellow countrymen and women by righting the wrongs of our unjust colonial past?
Eager to reward us with a quick shopping trip last year, Uncle Cuddles took us to a large harbourside town with glittering tall buildings that had been liberated only very recently by him from the tyranny of the deceitful and treacherous Treaty of 1997, a vile document imposed upon the sovereign Chinese nation by the racist capitalist slave owner Margaret Thatcher who had kidnapped the people of Hong Kong and forced them to live in bondage and servitude for 99 years.
But no longer! As the crowds danced and cavorted in feverish excitement and highly explosive festive fireworks lit the night sky, young people screamed with delight at the entertaining sound of popping gunfire and coughed themselves silly gasping for air as the celebratory plumes of tear gas wafted across the evening’s fun-filled festivities. Even Uncle Cuddles had tears in his eyes.