When you flick the light switch on in your house, how surprised are you when — almost instantaneously — light shines down, fairly brightly, from that bulb in the ceiling fitting? It may well be that each time this happens you experience anew a sense of awe and wonder and hurry off to tell your family about it. Much as you do each time you put a bottle of milk in the fridge and later discover that it has become discernibly colder.
If this is a fairly accurate description of your behaviour — well, you have my pity, if not quite my sympathy. My sympathy resides with the people who understand the nature of cause and effect but somehow become victims of it, while the people with lime jelly in lieu of a brain stand around saying: “Goodness me, how on Earth was that allowed to happen?”
Abdul Shokoor Ezedi arrived here illegally from the vibrant, go-ahead state of Afghanistan, in the back of a lorry, in 2016. He applied for asylum and was turned down, so he applied again and was rejected once more. Then, in 2018, he committed a sexual assault and was sentenced to nine weeks in prison, suspended for two years — plus 36 weeks, also suspended, for indecent exposure. A little later he appears to have convinced some mithering, hand-wringing jackanapes of a priest that he was entirely genuine in his wish to become a Christian.
His third application for asylum was successful — it is not clear whether it was the becoming Christian bit that swung it for him, or maybe the sexual assault conviction. It is hard to know how these panels operate. They are a law unto themselves. What we do know, however, is that last week this barbaric, medieval pervert travelled from Newcastle — where the taxpayer has given him a home in a city where you can find plenty of British ex-servicemen sleeping rough in the streets — to Clapham to throw an alkaline corrosive liquid over a woman and her daughters aged three and eight, who were known to him somehow. This terrifying attack left the victims in hospital with, in the mother’s case, what are described as “life-changing injuries”. Ezedi fled the scene and at the time of writing is still on the run.
People are surprised, shocked even, that, having arrived here illegally and then been convicted of a horrible crime, Ezedi was still at large and thus given licence to maim a woman and her little child. Newspapers seemed surprised. Kirsty Wark seemed quite surprised on an unsurpassably idiotic edition of Newsnight, which reckoned that the important issue in all this was, er, microaggressions against women. Various MPs announced their disquiet and their shock.
I assume these people all have light switches in their homes and offices. I assume they sometimes turn them on and off.
Ezedi was still here because we cannot send him anywhere. There is nothing we can do. If you haven’t been reading the papers or watching the news in the past ten years, then you may have missed the central point: nobody can be sent anywhere from here.
It’s almost impossible to send back to the Caribbean illegal immigrants who are also drug dealers and rapists because the lawyers get involved. We cannot send the economic migrants who wash up at Dover to Rwanda for processing because international law, an unelected House of Lords and, once again, the lawyers stop us doing so.
We cannot send Ezedi back to Afghanistan, where, given his misogyny, he might fit in very well, because it is a country that is not always respectful of Pride marches and is classed by the international community as “not very nice”. As is pretty much everywhere, except possibly Denmark.
We can barely send anybody anywhere because we are hemmed in by legislation that has not the slightest respect or sympathy for the victims of crime, only for the criminal. And these complex, overreaching laws are held as sacrosanct by the House of Lords, the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the third sector virtually in its entirety, the BBC and Newsnight especially, and must never be changed, because that would be undemocratic. So, the light switch analogy again. If we can’t send him — or anyone like him — anywhere, where is he likely to be?
He will be here. They are all going to continue to be here, all the ones who arrived illegally and who MI6 think might quite possibly try to blow us all up, all the ones who hate us but wish to live here while yearning to make our country more like the basket cases from which they fled. And the liberals will pretend that this isn’t a problem at all, really. They will continue to prop up a system that allows the innocent to be maimed — doused in chemicals, blown up, stabbed, merely robbed if they are lucky — because to say anything else is to question their own fundamentally wicked and stupid ideology.
The creature — a McCaque, obvs — had spent five days vainly scouring the entire country for fruit or salad vegetables. It had resorted to stealing from bird tables, which is apparently the only place they can be found north of Kelso.
Honshu was eventually tranquillised, like much of the human population, and held in isolation in the wildlife park while officers redacted its WhatsApp messages.
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Antisemitism, bang on schedule
It really is time you met the BBC employee Dawn Queva — hell of a girl. According to her Facebook posts, white people are a “mutant invader species”, while the Holocaust was actually the “Holohoax” and Jews are “parasites” and “melanin-recessive caucAsians” from the “synagogue of Satan”. While some of these observations could be mistaken for the BBC’s official line, they have angered one or two people, who say she should be fired.
Two thoughts occur. First, why was she not banned from Facebook and her ludicrous posts taken down? If anyone suggested comparable things about black people, they would be instantly consigned to Facebook prison.
Second, if she is sacked, who will notice? She is a “senior co-ordinator” who supports the BBC3 scheduling team. By doing what, exactly? Even the NHS gapes in awe at the BBC’s profusion of pointless, tokenistic bureaucrats.
Beware of the Mandarin dove
It must be horrible to turn up in a country, not know the language and be arrested and detained for eight months on a charge of espionage. A nightmare.
This is what happened to a pigeon who landed in Mumbai with what looked like Chinese characters on a tag around its legs. At last the authorities have worked out that the creature probably came from Taiwan and had no plan to destabilise the Indian state by pecking stuff in a sinister Chinese manner.
The pigeon is now free to go and, in an exclusive interview, told me: “Dimwitted, cow-worshipping mugs. Tell Xi I’ve got the codes. Ha ha ha.”